Beer Tank Archives: 7/21/08

Question 1.) A girl in our office has a husband that wears a gun wherever he goes including our office Christmas parties. He not an officer of the law. How do you suggest we tell her or him that we are not comfortable with what he is doing during our family office functions? - Susan R.
	B.A.M.: Step 1. Find out which one of you sidearm carrying ladies is the most confident that they are faster than he is on a draw down. Step 2. Directly question his masculinity. Step 3. Make sure you are TOTALLY confident about Step 1. Step 4. Put on some monogrammed Chuck Connors shooting gloves. Step 5. Nah...just tell the wife you don’t get the whole Draw Down Death Fantasy her husband has and to quit bringing that crap to the office parties.
	Lt. Guzzle: Use it to your advantage. Make up some T-shirts with a bulls-eye logo and subliminal messages condemning the National Rifle Association and pass them out to those co-workers that could use a little "ventilation." Oh, and alcohol should be involved.

Question 2.)
In your mind who’s more dead...Ted "Show Killer" McGinley or Molly "Union Minimum" Ringwald?

- John S.

B.A.M.: Whew...now this is a tough call. Ted killed only prime pime TV shows…but Molly…she single handedly killed many major motions pictures during her time...not an easy task. From what I understand the captured Taliban prefer non-stop waterboarding to a viewing of Fresh Horses. So…it’s Molly by a nose.

Lt. Guzzle:

Don't rush to judgment on the McG man. If you remember, he usually showed up in the cast once the cross-hairs were being trained: "Happy Days", after they jumped the shark; the "Love Boat", after they kicked off all the cocaine addicts; "Married with Children" after everyone announced they were gay, lesbian or bi-sexual (Buck the Dog -- FlaAAming); "Hope & Faith", OK, you caught me, I never watched that show.

Now turning to Molly-wald, again I say wait to judge. Despite a few insulin shots to get through them, the John Hughes films (Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink) were a true genre. Each and every morning, though, my knees hit the floor and I thank God she was not cast in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". Mia Sara was ... Ohhh, Yeahhh!

Dammit, now you have me sounding like some sick movie reviewer. Next topic.

Question 3.) Jenna Bush may hold the record for having the largest head in Presidential daughter history. I was just curious to your thoughts of what we are witnessing in our lifetime during her “Bulbous Orb Tenure”? - Sam C.
	B.A.M.: It’s funny that you should bring this up as I was just wondering the same thing. That’s just a jumbo head on that youngster. I envision it as the source of all her strength and with the ability to power up small cities. I would love to be the first man to scale it without the use of a Sherpa and plant multi -national flags on top.
	Lt. Guzzle: One of the reasons Nixon went to China was to have both of his daughters' heads bound so they would appear unnaturally small and delicate. Maybe it only happens to Republicans. You never hear anything bad about Carter's or Clinton's daughter. Well, other than the obvious.

Question 4.) How does someone like Paris Hilton become famous? She can’t sing, dance or act and seems to have a limited IQ. - Stacy M.
	B.A.M.: Paris Hilton. The bane of all things intelligent and talented. There is no doubting America’s responsibility for this talent free growth. The reason for her success is attributable…at least from what I can fathom…is that she is unable to be killed. She’s like something out of a bad Anne Rice novel...except she’s real. Even her porno sucked...how can you screw that up? Unbelievable.
	Lt. Guzzle: It's ironic. Most men talk about trophy conquests that they had stuffed and mounted. With Paris, it's that she has been mounted and stuffed. But I will tell you something that nobody has yet discussed. With all the "baby batter" floating around in this bimbette, she remains conspicuously without issue, child-free, not preggers. I believe we are watching natural selection being tested, and Nature is stubbing her DNA out like an old cigarette.

Question 4.) What’s you secret sex fantasy? - Kelly M.
	B.A.M.: Me, Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek, and a talented White-headed Capuchin monkey with a tiny camera.
	Lt. Guzzle: I have a confession to make. Remember all of those "Letters to Hustler"? I wrote them all. I started each one with "You probably won't believe this but it really happened..." and ended them with "and then ... we did it again." I made up all the stuff in between -- OR DID I?