So you want to set up an empire (evil or otherwise). Congratulations on your bold venture. For those of you who have not read and studied the classics on business organization, like Machiavelli’s ‘The Prince’ or Blanchard’s ‘One Minute Manager,’ I have summarized a listing of all the important people necessary for your staff. We have heard about the problem of having “too many Chiefs and not enough Indians,” but the range of those below you varies considerably.

THE LOW LEVEL FUNCTIONARIES

Hireling – A ‘one-off’ independent contractor, employed for a special service or task. In military terms, these would be the ‘fire and forget’ weapons. Never communicate with these directly, you have people for that.

Goon – A mindless or slow-witted enforcer, usually decorated with horrific scars and dark clothing. These people are also called a ‘foot soldier’ or ‘thug’. They are a necessary evil in any organization, well intentioned or not. When you need something done, these are the ones to send out. It’s a good idea to have someone you trust lead them on their visits, however, since the typical Goon often does not know when the purpose of their visit has been accomplished, and will keep enforcing their will until there is nobody left to instruct.

Vassal – The simple description is a person beholden to their superior. Similar to serfs, you don’t actually have to pay them, however, it doesn’t hurt to give them shiny objects once in a while. These people do the heavy lifting in your organization. Handle these people with care, as when vassals go bad, they can bring down the entire empire [see Tsar Nicholas II or the Russian Revolution for an example].

Toady – A servile follower, the perfect foil to use to achieve your ends. In bad fiction, these are the first ones to see the error of their ways, and spill the beans about your organization. Keep an eye on them, and never give them enough information to incriminate you.

Pawn – Dupe – Chump – Patsy – Sap – Stooge – The names are interchangeable, as these are the puppets that keep the heat away from your true operations. If something goes bad, blame it on one of these people and keep your hands spotlessly clean.

SUPERVISORY STAFF

Underling – Briefly, these are a Goon made good. These people rarely understand why they are performing the job they are given, but know perfectly how to do it. Use them to flog the rank and file to keep up morale among the low level staff. Oh, and give them cool nicknames, like Mickey “The Nose,” Harry “The Chin,” and Elmer “The Hemorrhoid Donut."

Subaltern – The term is rarely found outside of a Rudyard Kipling story. They are found up and down your network, as subordinates or juniors to your other staff members. Take care to arbitrarily reward and punish them, but make sure not to establish any pattern, as they tend to turn on each other if they see one of their ranks being favored.

Apparatchik – These are essentially a devoted and loyal subordinate, often with a innate sense of political awareness. They are basically low level bureaucrats with very limited training, a type of “utility infielder” in your empire. This class is made up mostly of disgraced lawyers and college graduates with political science degrees.

Lackey – You can never have too many lackeys. In Old English, the term referred to any uniformed servant, but has evolved to connote a more servile functionary. You feel thirsty, zip, the well trained lackey hands you a Lime Rickey in a highball glass (with three ice cubes). They also pick up your laundry, Simonize your car, and make all of your travel arrangements. They are like five-star hotel employees, but you don’t have to tip them.

Flunky – I cannot overstate how invaluable these personnel are to your operations. They provide all the benefits to you, but assume all the responsibility for themselves. They are similar to the low-level Pawns, but are usually cultivated to take the major heat that hits close to home. The brilliant thing about Flunkies is they rarely know they are a Flunky until the storm breaks over them. To see the look on their face then is worth any price.

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Henchman – Loyalty is the trait of a true henchman. Originally this was a term for a page to a prince or person of high rank, they tend to make excellent drivers, and are good at handling those trying to investigate your operations. Do not make them clean up too many of your messes, as they will quickly feel under-appreciated. Treat them by sending them on important travel junkets, such as investigating the hospitality practices of various South Pacific island resorts.

Aide – Also can be an abettor – This is a well-trained supervisor, with the ability to get you what you want, often before you realize you want it. These are crafty, manipulative, scheming, close-dealing individuals – exactly what you need in your organization. Warning: Do not let these people see your financial records.

Sidekick – Usually, this is an apprentice chosen for their special attributes. The late-night movies and old Batman episodes usually have them be comedic and wear funny looking costumes. This is far from reality. They are often chosen for their friendly demeanor and conversational ability, and because of this they make you look good. Invite these glib people to all of your parties, but make certain they can hold their booze.

Accomplice – There are two classes of accomplices; those that help you successfully complete a task, and those that get caught trying to help you complete a task. If the former holds it over you to reward them, demote them immediately. If the latter refuses to be rewarded by you, have a Hireling give them a visit.

UPPER MANAGERS

Minion – The de facto Vice Presidents of your organization. These are the ones to rely upon, as they will have proven their confidence to you. From the French word, ‘mignon’, meaning royal favorite. Don’t confuse them with filet mignon—unless they turn on you.

Crony – An older, more experienced member of your organization. Whether you know it or not, these people have all the dirt on you. They remember every indiscretion you made, all the angles you’ve shot, and all the sharp practices you took advantage of. What is more, they are proud of you for these, as they would have done the same thing in your place. As you grow more mature, they will want to sit around and talk about the good old days. Lime Rickeys take the sting out of their endless, repetitive stories.

Cohort – A partner in your more daring ventures. These people tend to be leaders of other organizations, or one of their loyal minions. Watch your backside among these types, and make sure you have plenty of Flunkies available.