1. At some point in your marriage your first name was dropped and officially changed to “You need to”.
2. You’ve been married so long that foreplay isn’t sexual...it’s all the things you spent the day doing that she deems ”helpful”. She still won’t initiate sex but gives it up because you “earned” it one washed dish at a time.
3. Your chores (yard work & garage maintenance, etc) aren’t considered work...it’s officially “you time”. When you finish up your work and make your way inside and start helping her...then that’s a functional chore.
4. Have kids? Have a stay at home wife? Does life get any better than walking in the door after another miserable day at work and you get the OJ handoff. Keys in hand, purse on the shoulder and in the 3 point position when you walk in the door. You’ll be luck to vaguely make out “I need to get some milk” as she hurdles the ottoman and hands off the baby on the way out the door. How she can turn a milk run into that into a 3 hour journey is one of life’s great mysteries.
5. Cell phones. If you have 2 phones…one work and one personal….all the better. Your driving home….first the personal cell goes off…didn’t get to it in time...she’s going for the work one. Didn’t “hear” that one either? Your personal phone will go off again . As an added bonus...you will get to explain….and you WILL explain...why your weren’t picking up.
6. Forgot to tell the wife you were going to do something for awhile on Saturday that didn’t involve her and the kids...screw that noise...it’s just not gonna happen. Reverse the scenario...you’ll just have to get over it and she needs a break. Piss and moan about it too long...and your chances for getting any for at least a week are over. Piss and moan with extra sarcasm added on…make that a week and a half.
7. Your family is the definition of dysfunctional while her family is a pillar of middle class stability. Never mind the rampant alcoholism on her side and her mother’s psychosis of the week issue. It’s all your side of the family bro that brings out the worst in the kids.
8. Body issues. Oh yeah...they come on fast and furious after kids. I’m fat, I feel fat, I need liposuction, I want implants, I need a personal trainer, I need Botox, If I could just drop a few right here, you need to encourage me more on my new diet...and my personal favorite...are you starting at my (insert body part) cause it’s fat?
9. It’s going to be a long night when you hear: We need to have a talk tonight. There’s no us in this relationship, there’s just you. You need to be more involved with the children. I need your help tonight with some things around the house. My mom’s coming over. We don’t need to buy that right now. You want to do what tonight?
10. It’s a night out with the girls. Dishes haven’t been touched since the day before. Kids have a pile of homework that they need help with. She’s in the middle of her period so not a prayer of thank you sex. Ohhh...and hell hat no fury like a wife’s expectations undone. This night is on you bro.

Next Week: Women...Top 10 signs that you married a pain in the ass.